IMAGINE you are a five year old child watching your mother being bashed head first against the wall by your father. You want to help but you can’t, you feel helpless and you grow with that state of mind for another fifteen years. If you are a male, chances are you'll grow up thinking it's normal to beat women and if you are girl, chances are you'll think it is normal to endure abuse in a relationship.
Women's month is upon us, yet we still experience cases of domestic violence and women abuse in our homes. We hear stories of husbands and boyfriends killing their wives and children growing up in abusive households. A tragic incident preceding women's month occurred in Glenwood where a woman was allegedly strangled by her boyfriend shortly after she had ended her relationship with him. Her boyfriend was released on R1500 bail and is attending trial at the Durban magistrate court.
In another incident, a man killed his six month old baby, attacked his 13 year old and bludgeoned his wife with a hammer and strangled her before commiting suicide. People who know the man say he was depressed and unemployed. His wife and 13 year old survived the ordeal but six month old Naledi was not so lucky, she died at the scene.
Many children grow up in single parent households where women have to play both the role of mother and father; coupled with the pressure to provide for their families and ensure that their children get a good education. Many children are also raised in dysfunctional two parent households where mothers are subject to violence and other acts of emotional and physical trauma. Kimber Adams (not her real name), grew up in such an environment and she shares her experience:
“Growing up in abusive relationship can be very damaging emotionally and psychologically. It is a cross that I will always carry as woman, I can forgive my farther for what he did to my mother but I will never forget. Talking from my mothers experience I think it is a pattern which most women don't notice. I fell into the same trap with my ex-boyfriend who was exactly like my father, thank goodness I realised before it was too late and I left him. My mother stayed in an abusive relationship because of security reasons and I appreciate her for that but I still feel that she didn't have to.
We all encounter hardships in relationships but no one has the right to abuse you. Women need to realise this and know that there are places of safety where they can go and get the help they need. I believe that God never puts you in a situation you cannot handle, we just have to learn to trust ourselves and be strong,” she said.
Adams says she has now found another boyfriend who respects her as woman and as a person. She says although the trauma of her childhood experiences still haunt her she has dealt with the issue by being positive and trusting herself. There are many women like Amber in our society who have endured abuse and keeping silent doesn't solve the problem.
Women in most sections of our society are still subservient to men; in the workplace at home and even on the social scene and this subservience has seen an increase in trends relating to domestic violence. Makhosazane Nxumalo who heads the Commission for Gender equality in KwaZulu Natal says violence against women in South Africa has become so bad that it is no longer a matter of “if” a woman will get beaten or raped but a matter of “when”.
“Violence against women has spread into the younger fragments of society. The principles of ubuntu are decaying and it is mostly the younger generation who commit these acts. If people break into a house where there is women, the first thing that they'll do is rape or even murder before stealing.”
She says most cases involving domestic violence are created by financial and emotional dependence and the psychological need to have a man, which is driven by poor self esteem and societal oppression. She says women abuse is not limited to any class aspect in our society. “Women professionals and women in rural areas are subject to abuse, it affects all classes, and people hide it because they don't want to lose their homes.”
There are also issues of women reporting domestic violence and not being able to go back to their families, Nxulamo says this has resulted in a backlog of shelters and services that deal with women abuse. “The numbers of shelters are very limited and we need to establish more resources where people can go if they are abused.”
The effect of domestic violence on school children is also a cause for concern. Nxumalo believes that some children do not perform properly at school because of the abusive environment they subjected to at home. Bullying at school can be attributed to domestic violence because the child thinks that in order to gain respect; he has to do what his farther does to his mother at home and there are not enough services to deal with these issues in our schools. Children in abusive relationships need counseling and the biggest problem is that they don't know where to go and who to talk to.
She says the signs to spot a prospective abusive relationship are difficult because men approach women in a sweet way at the beginning. However, one can spot an abuser by their actions and personality.
“Control is usually the first sign, especially when a man wants to know where you all the time and tells you what to wear. Some men also want their partners to depend on them and arguments about these issues can escalate to violence.”
There are various organisations that women can go to if they are in an abusive relationship such as People Opposing Women Abuse (POWA), Commission for Gender Equality and the KZN Network on Violence Against Women. All these organisations offer support and advice on abusive relationships and domestic violence. Women must understand that they are not alone and help is available.
People Against Women Abuse (POWA): 083 765 1235
Commission for Gender equality (CGE): 031 305 2105
KwaZulu natal Network on Violence Against Women: (031) 261 3471
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